The #madness needs to stop. I am utterly horrified that us #AKOPTH are pushed, “encouraged” or otherwise manipulated into thinking that WE MUST take in our #PTH Parents That Hoard.
It is one thing to take in your “elderly parent” who actually willingly wants and appreciates the gesture and will not destroy our property and peace of mind. I know this exists, I have seen it and I know people who make this work and are happy with it.
On the other side of that coin is the dysfunctional, chaotic, mentally ill parent that simply doesn’t recognize their behaviour and life choices have made it impossible to invite them into your home.
While at first glance it may seem “shameful” to keep that person out, it’s helpful to take a closer look. Specifically around bringing your parent that hoards into your home to live with you.
If you are a #AKOPTH, it is vital to recognize that you likely have created a space you want to live in. You may have gone to great pains to create a home for you, your spouse, your kids and/or your personal pets. You may have even escaped the hoard after living in it as a #YLITH and enjoy your hoard-free environment now.
Suddenly, the idea that “you must help your parent” or “you must take them in because they have nowhere to go” rears up because your parents house may have been condemned or they may be facing eviction due to their hoard. Or maybe it’s an issue where you are expected to take them in and become their primary caregiver.
No matter how this issue comes up, it can be a challenge to explain to people WHY it isn’t going to be a healthy option for you or your family.
Here are a few general reasons why you may not want your parent that hoards to move in:
- They may want to bring their entire hoard and animals with them into your house.
- They will not consider how their hoarding in your space impacts you or your spouse/kids/pets.
- They frequently do not know how to clean up after themselves and it creates more work for you.
- If they have behaved in a narcissistic manner, that behavior will remain, even if they move into your house.
- Boundaries are not something they understand nor respect.
- It can increase the friction in your personal relationships exponentially.
- You may face the need to evict your own parent from your house due to their hoarding behaviors.
- They may not bathe regularly or be able to use the bathroom appropriately.
- You may explain to them what you need or want, but they still will not do what you ask.
While it is noble to want to assist, and most of us #AKOPTH will do what we can, it still isn’t a requirement for us to give up our peace of mind or sanity or our family relationships by inviting the parent that hoards to live with us.
An alternative is to give them resources, like mental health services, apartment options clean up companies etc and let them make their way. We are not responsible for their choices and in general we cannot “save” someone who doesn’t actually want the assistance.
It can be a difficult balance between what we need and helping the people we love, but our peace of mind and sanity matter too.
Are you an #AKOPTH – Adult Kid of Parents That Hoard?
Are you struggling with ways to cope?
A free course is launching on October 6, 2020 designed just for you! If you would like more details, please submit your name & email here and we will get you more information!
Tammi Moses is the founder and Chief Encouragement Officer of the company Homes Are For Living, LLC dba The Hoarding Solution. This business is proudly Veteran Woman Owned & Operated. We offer virtual consultations, workshops and training on the issue of hoarding.
Tammi believes in empowering & inspiring others to take their adversity and use it for the benefit of others. She is the voice of #AKOPTH-Adult Kids of Parents That Hoard. She is also a voice & advocate for #YLITH – Youth Living in The Hoard. You can connect with Tammi in various ways: email directly or connect on Facebook, Instagram & Twitter. You can also check out The Hoarding Solution Podcast!